All children are capable of extraordinary things. There is no happiness gene, no success gene, and no ‘doer of extraordinary things’ gene. The potential for happiness lies in all of them, and will mean different things to different kids. We can’t change that they will face challenges along the way. What we can do is give them the skills so these challenges are never able to break them. We can build their resilience.
Resilience is being able to bounce back from stress, challenge, tragedy, trauma or adversity. When children are resilient, they are braver, more curious, more adaptable, and more able to extend their reach into the world.
The great news is that resilience is something that can be nurtured in all children.
How does resilience affect behaviour?
Children will have different levels of resilience and different ways of responding to and recovering from stressful times. They will also have different ways of showing when the demands that are being put upon them outweigh their capacity to cope. They might become emotional, they might withdraw, or they might become defiant or angry.
Can resilience be changed?
Yes. Yes. Yes. Absolutely resilience can be changed. Resilience is not for the genetically blessed and can be strengthened at any age. One of the most exciting findings in the last decade or so is that we can change the wiring of the brain through the experiences we expose it to. The right experiences can shape individual characteristics of a child in a way that will build their resilience.
How to build resilience?
1. Resilience needs relationships.
By having a loving relationship with a caring adult, children have the opportunity to develop vital coping skills. The presence of a responsive adult can also help to reverse the physiological changes that are activated by stress. Anyone in the life of a child can make a difference – family, teachers, coaches – anyone.
2. Increase their exposure to people who care about them.
Social support is associated with higher positive emotions, a sense of personal control and predictability, self-esteem, motivation, optimism, and resilience. Kids won’t always notice the people who are in their corner cheering them on, so when you can, let them know about the people in their fan club. Anything you can do to build their connection with the people who love them will strengthen them.
‘I told Grandma how brave you were. She’s so proud of you.’
3. Let them know that it’s okay to ask for help.
Children will often have the idea that being brave is about dealing with things by themselves. Let them know that being brave and strong means knowing when to ask for help. If there is anything they can do themselves, guide them towards that but resist carrying them there.
4. Build their executive functions.
Strengthening their executive functioning will help them manage their own behaviour and feelings, and increase their capacity to develop coping strategies. Some powerful ways to build their executive functioning are:
- establishing routines;
- modelling healthy social behaviour;
- creating and maintaining supportive reliable relationships around them;
- providing opportunities for their own social connections;
- creative play;
- board games: Good for impulse control (taking turns), planning, working memory, and mental flexibility (the ability to shift thoughts to an alternative, better pattern of thought if the situation requires);
- games that involve memory;
- exercise;
- giving them opportunities to think and act independently (if they disagree with you and tell you why you’re wrong, there’s a plus side – their executive functioning is flourishing!);
- providing opportunities for them to make their own decisions.
5. Encourage regular mindfulness practice.
Mindfulness creates structural and functional changes in the brain that support a healthy response to stress. It strengthens the calming, rational prefrontal cortex and reduces activity in the instinctive, impulsive amygdala. It also strengthens the connections between the prefrontal cortex and the amygdala. When this connection is strong, the calming prefrontal cortex will have more of a hand in decisions and behaviour.
6. Exercise
Exercise strengthens and reorganises the brain to make it more resilient to stress. Anything that gets kids moving and you can make it fun, works.
7. Nurture optimism
Optimism has been found to be one of the key characteristics of resilient people. The brain can be rewired to be more optimistic through the experiences it is exposed to. If you have a small human who tends to look at the glass as being half empty, show them a different view. This doesn’t mean not validating how they feel. Acknowledge their view of the world, and introduce them to a different one.
‘It’s disappointing when it rains on a sports day isn’t it? Let’s make the most of this. What’s something we can do on a rainy day that we probably wouldn’t do if it was sunny?’ The idea is to focus on what is left, rather than what has been lost.
8. Model resilience
Imitation is such a powerful way to learn. The small humans in your life will want to be just like you, and they’ll be watching everything. So let them see how you deal with disappointment. Bringing them into your emotional world at appropriate times will help them to see that sadness, stuckness, disappointment are all very normal human experiences. When experiences are normalised, there will be a safety and security that will open the way for them to explore what those experiences mean for them, and experiment with ways to respond.
‘I’m disappointed that I didn’t get the job, but that’s because it was important to me. It’s nice to have things that are important to you, even if they don’t end the way you want them to. I did my very best in the interview and I know I’ll be okay. That one wasn’t the job for me, but I know there is going to be one that is perfect. I just have to keep trying and be patient.
Reading stories that demonstrate resilience is another way to help them experience and normalize different emotions, through a character in the book.
9. Don’t rush to their rescue
Exposure to challenges that they can manage during childhood will help to ensure that they are more able to deal with stress during adulthood. There is evidence that these early experiences cause positive changes in the prefrontal cortex (the ‘calm down, you’ve got this’ part of the brain), that will protect against the negative effects of future stress. It is in the precious space between falling and standing back up again that they learn how to find their feet.
10. Build their problem-solving toolbox
Self-talk is such an important part of problem-solving. Your words are powerful because they are the foundation on which they build their own self-talk. Rather than solving their problems for them, start to give them the language to solve their own. Some ideas:
- What would [someone who they see as capable] do?
- What has worked before?
- Say as many ideas as you can in two minutes, even the silly ones? Lay them on me. Go.
- How can we break this big problem into little pieces?
So say, for example, the problem is, ‘What if I miss you or get scared when I’m at Grandmas?’ Validate them first, then start giving them the problem-solving language without handing them the solution.
‘You might miss me. I’ll miss you too. It’s really normal to miss people you love, even if you’re with people you love being with.
What do you think might help if that happens?’ or, ‘What would [Superman/ Dad/ big sister, who is their idol] do?’ or ‘What sort of things do you do here at home that help you to feel cozy or safe?’ I know you always have great ideas.’
Let them know they are loved unconditionally. (But you already knew that.)
This will give them a solid foundation to come back to when the world starts to feel wobbly. Eventually, they will learn that they can give that solid foundation to themselves. A big part of resilience is building their belief in themselves. It’s the best thing they’ll ever believe in.